Not too long ago I had the opportunity to visit the Republic of Valhalla. While it may seem that visiting such a vibrant location would inspire me to write about the joys and sights such a place has to offer, I was there because I was on a quest.
Namely I was out to expose the truth. Truth about the rumored efforts that the Kingdom of Changoon had in fact started to dismantle at least part of its nuclear arsenal that it built up in the Great War. Upon further research into the matter I was shocked to learn that the Republic of Valhalla was actually assisting with the dismantlement of this arsenal. A non-nuclear state helping a nuclear state? I just had to see this.
So I packed by bags, my sexy camera, and I was off to get an interview.
(Here’s a picture of me arriving at Valhalla! Check out that scarf!)
Upon arriving I was greeted in military fashion: with a rifle to my face and promptly escorted out of the facility.
What are Valhalla and Changoon hiding? What was so secretive that I couldn’t walk into their meeting rom in Valhalla just to ask for a few quotes on their jobs?
Then I realized: Nuclear weapons are that secretive.
A few days later I obtained an exclusive press release from the Republic of Valhalla outlining the need for cooperation, transparency, but at the same time secrecy, structure, and sensitivity which you will see unaltered below.
Having reported on nuclear events for most of my career I would like to salute the initiative demonstrated by both the Kingdom of Changoon and the Republic of Valhalla in organizing and coordinating a task that no other states would’ve dared to undertake. These two states are true pioneers in nuclear dismantlement and world security. Nuclear weapons have always been a tool for political fear and tension, but to see two states put aside differences and use those weapons as a unifying factor, is a truly remarkable achievement.
-Cervando Bañuelos is a nuclear engineer, writer, poet, and masked super hero. He has written many things and papers, and currently works at the Center for Nonproliferation Studies. He is also an avid unicycler, comic book enthusiast, and likes long walks on the beach. Like really long walks. Like he brings a tent and a sack lunch to these walks.
To: All Media Outlets
From: Mello Yello, Senior Diplomat,
Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Democratic Republic of Valhalla
Re: Bilateral Cooperation with the Kingdom of Changoon
29 March 2014
For immediate release:
The Democratic Republic of Valhalla, in our ongoing efforts to promote an atmosphere of cooperation and mutual security with our partner states, is pleased to announce our initiative for diplomatic relations with the Kingdom of Changoon. The Democratic Republic of Valhalla believes that every state has the right to ensure its own economic, energy, and domestic security while working cooperatively with its partners. In this regard, the Democratic Republic of Valhalla has agreed to work bilaterally with the Kingdom of Changoon to discuss numerous issues and to explore new and mutually beneficial paths to cooperation. The Democratic Republic of Valhalla is pleased that the Kingdom of Changoon recognizes the benefits of dialogue between our states to improve international relations and pledges to offer its utmost efforts to promote substantive, tangible results leading to a more secure and peaceful international environment.
—————————————————————————————————————
Regards,
Willow Water
Former Associate Director, Nuclear Science Establishment of Valhalla
nuclearfarmboy.com 